An Open Letter to My Bonus Son’s Mom:
The day you held your sweet baby boy in your arms for the first time, I was not even a thought in your mind and today I am a reality. No one ever gets married or has children with the intention of divorce. I am sorry that happened to you. I have been there myself.
If you and I were in a room together, both breathing normally – neither of us would be concerned that there was not enough air for the other. There is plenty to go around. That is exactly how love is. Peter loving his father or even him loving me does not have any bearing on the amount of love that he has for you. The supply of love does not run out and there is plenty to go around.
You never thought you would have to “share” your role with someone else. The truth is that you do not. I have developed my own unique relationship with him. He will develop numerous relationships throughout his life independent of the relationship that he has with you. That is healthy! Friends, girlfriends, co-workers. None of those relationships detract from you. You will always get 100% of his love for you.
What do you have to gain by monitoring his communication with others? Reading his text messages? Being the warden of his phone? Filtering his communication with others? I can promise you that you have NOTHING to gain and everything to lose. You will lose his trust and his faith in you. There may be plenty of love to go around but if you smother a fire it will go out.
On another note, since you view yourself as a Christian – God loves you and he loves me. We both love God. I have a very intimate, special relationship with God but it has zero to do with you. You do not hear or read my prayers. I am betting you have probably never even thought about my prayers.
Let’s change the name. Peter loves you and he loves me. We both love Peter. I have a very intimate, special relationship with Peter but it has zero to do with you. You anxiously monitor our communications. What is it that you hope to gain?
I would ask you to ponder why? I would ask you to think about the common denominator in the above scenarios as being YOU.
Give him the freedom to love and interact with others independent of you. Allow him to develop his own relationships and grow into an emotionally mature man.
He is not in this situation by choice, nor does he like the back and forth. As a part of his triangle of parents, that hurts my heart. When he cries, my heart breaks. We all need to support him rather than trying to tear each other down through him or by controlling him. He needs to feel that all of us are accessible and available to him and not feel guilty for reaching out to any of us at any time. If he continues to feel torn by reaching out to one of us in fear of hurting the other, eventually he will stop reaching out to any of us. He will find someone else to connect with and we do not know if that someone else will be a positive influence in Peter’s life.
If you have negative feelings about Grant or myself, please keep them out of the parenting triangle.
Remember, I never counted on you either. I am however, grateful for you. Without you, I would not have the blessing of such an amazing bonus son. Amazing does not happen on its own. I give you partial credit for that. Thank you.
I am asking you to consider my letter as heartfelt and with the best of intentions as that is how it is meant. We are connected perhaps not by choice but by love as that is exactly what Peter is – he is a child, he is love.
The Bonus Mom