My husband is the love of my life. I have said that before, and I will say it again and again. I saved the very best for last. My perfect. Perfect does not mean life has no challenges.
We both came to the table with lots of life experiences, opinions, hurts, and unresolved issues. We both had experienced plenty of what we never wished to experience again. We both had hit rock bottom in the love department that unfortunately affected other areas of both of our lives: careers, financial, and even our faith. Between us we had experienced con artists, cult-life, non-convicted lawbreakers, porn-addicts, deviants, and self-righteous, self-professed Christians that produced no fruit that may take a lifetime to recover from.
From the outside looking in, even our closest friends had no idea how broken each of us were. We worked in the same industry and our professional/social circles overlapped from time to time. We were two broken souls walking around with smiles on our faces in the same crowds of people – hurting. Looking back, I can honestly say – at least for my side of the equation – even I had no idea how broken and lost I truly was. I can say that I was without hope, and happiness continued to evade me. I had grown cold and numb and that was my normal. I had lived that way for so long that is how I honestly believed I was supposed to feel. I was at the point that I started to think that if this was all there was to life, I was kind of done with it.
My best friend sat with me one evening talking as we did on so many occasions before either by the fence line or on the porch. Somehow, that night my true feelings started spurting from my mouth a little at a time like Old Faithful until suddenly my tears started gushing like a full-blown cyclic eruption. Words accompanied my tears. There it was all out on the table. My life. My emotions. My true-feelings. I might as well have dumped a box of puzzle pieces onto the ground in front of us.
Honestly, that was the first time I had ever let someone in “there” to that place so deep inside of me that had been so hurt, so disappointed, and so broken, and they did not injure me further. Instead, she cried with me, held me, supported me and acknowledged my hurt. A change began that night.
She made me promise to be there “tomorrow.” In exchange she promised that she would help me out of the deep, thick, muddied path of my heart where I had tried to find my solace so many times before alone and failed. Each time in the past, the rubber boots that I wore on my feet as I tried to find my way out remained right there where I stood swallowed up by more resistance than I had strength to pull my way out.
There I was the next day – the sun shining more brightly than before.
God had intervened. Hope was found. I grew stronger day by day. Suddenly, the darkest words of my vocabulary were replaced with words full of color. Things I am not sure I had ever felt before – exhilaration, hope, excitement, strength, joy, and life – filled me until I was overflowing.
I was becoming whole. I walked at the track everyday and began conversing with God. An empty, dead heart was becoming exuberant and bursting at the seams.
God was readying my heart and life as well as that of the man that I would someday soon “find” in that pool of knowns yet unknowns that filled my professional world. We were worlds apart yet the magnet that God placed in each of our hearts pulled us quite literally from the furthest points with an attraction so strong that literally nothing could stop it. That is what God can do when we get out of the way.
People talked. They speculated. Gossip. When people see change, they assume scandal! Yes, I was having an affair. A life-saving affair with God. My time had not yet come, yet it had. Time for real love. God’s way.
Until Next Time,
*Author’s note – Stay tuned. This is just the beginning of the story. She did not quit!