There are two types of women – those with hair and those without. Some might argue that there are different degrees that should be incorporated into this statement. I disagree. Whether you have a little or have a lot – you are a “have” plain and simple.
When I was younger, I had a most unfortunate life experience. I saw something to this day that I simply cannot un-see – a very, inadequately groomed female (I think?). I was, as they used to say back in the day, “grossed out.”
I vowed from that moment on that I would be a “have not.”
There are various methods to achieve this condition. I seemingly had tried them all.
Then there was this one time… No, not at band camp!
My husband and I, although married, were living in different places for a brief period. We had not quite yet combined our households. At this point, we were meeting in various locations for a few days at a time about every five weeks – an absolute perfect aesthetician schedule! On this rare occasion, we had to alter our travel plans backing them up a week. Hmmm. I would need to reschedule my “appointment.” When I phoned, I found out there were no available appointments! What is a girl to do? Suddenly, Nair™ came to mind.
Let me tell you about Nair™! It is it’s very own chemical weapon. I dare say nuclear in nature. Soldiers should be armed with this stuff! It will destroy everything it comes in contact with. I speak from experience.
I waited until my very last shower before leaving for the airport to apply this weapon of mass destruction to the most delicate of areas. As if this were not a bad enough idea, waiting until the very last minute before a vacation only amplified my bad decision. Seemingly, everything went very well!
I arrived at the airport, checked my bag, made it through the security checkpoint, and headed to my gate when all of a sudden, I felt… fire! The flames seemed to be intensifying by the second. I began to break out in a sweat as I thought I just might incinerate right in the DFW airport. I could not phathom the story that would be reported on the news. I began to envision the headlines. “Woman dies in DFW airport after using Nair™ when she could not get appointment for bikini wax!” Although my blood pressure was at an all time high, my mind was still functioning (was it functioning when I applied the Nair™?) and I knew I had to do something to stop this pain! I began to look through the contents of my purse to see what I might have. NOTHING! I had nothing.
I decided that I would go to the little airport convenience store to peruse. As I casually looked around, the store clerk asked, “May I help you find something?” I really wanted to yell, “My skin. Can you help me find my skin!?” Somehow, I remained composed and offered a “Thank you. Just looking.” Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Chapstick™! It soothes chapped lips perhaps it would soothe something else! I bought the Chapstick™ and eagerly began ripping it open before ever reaching the ladies room. I was so pleased to see there was no line waiting for a stall. I ran right in and began the delicate procedure. I am sure there might have even been a few sounds that escaped my mouth as I began to feel momentary relief. Undoubtedly sounds escaped because of the looks that I received upon my exit. If only they knew!
I called my best friend who laughed her ass off at me as I began to share my story. To this day, I still receive tubes of Chapstick™ as stocking stuffers. As I was sharing my story, the pain returned intensified! Let me tell you, Chapstick™ contains a fire within. It does not smother it! I just allows it to burn without spreading. They could use it to contain forest fires – no pun intended! Additionally, Chapstick™ is very much like a glue stick. I might as well have glued my pants to the affected area! With every movement, I was sure I was losing skin – at least what was left of it. I was seeing a burn unit in my future!
It was time to board the flight. What if I caught on fire? Perhaps, when locating the nearest exit, I should look to see where the fire extinguisher was located as well! I began to walk down the hallway that seemed unusually long to board the plane. I walked as if I were walking barefoot trying to avoid walking on broken glass. I am sure people wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Finally, I was in my seat with my pants glued to what was left of my skin all the while – the Chapstick™ allowing the flames to burn!
When the flight attendant came around, I asked for a cup of ice, which I held between my legs and not on the tray table in front of me. I waited for steam to form or at the very least a sizzle (like the one you get when you place a hot skillet under running water before allowing it to cool). Nope! I was safe. No sizzle between this girls legs!
I learned some very valuable lessons from this experience. I want to share them with you in hopes that you can benefit from my experience.
And here are the top five lessons that I learned from a bottle of Nair™ and a tube of Chapstick™:
- A little “brush” is better than setting the whole forest on fire.
- Chapstick™ can be used in place of a glue stick.
- Chapstick™ contains forest fires to the affected area and prevents them from spreading.
- Nair™ can be used to subdue attackers and quite possibly in place of Round Up™ in your yard!
- There are reasons they put warnings on products – for people like me!
If you are like me, you want to know how it all worked out. It is like getting to the end of a book or a movie and not having a nice tidy ending – questions unanswered. So… I found a pharmacy that sold a product containing lidocaine and aloe on the way to meet my husband. Hotels have ice machines. Score! I have been married three years and my husband is learning of this story for the very first time with you. I obviously lived to tell the tale and with me there are so many more like this one time…
Until the next time,
Cynthia Bain is a blogger and author writing motivational, inspiring, and sometimes humorous stories inspired by life as she knows it – never ordinary, sometimes crazy, and always fabulous. She lives in Wakefield, Virginia with her husband and two “fur-kids” (Chloe, the Yorkie princess, and Mojo, the frequently misunderstood Jack Russell Terrier), where they are currently in the process of reviving a three-hundred-year-old farmhouse.
She has recently been featured in The Sussex-Surry Dispatch and the front page of the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop publication.
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